daily thoughts

i miss her deeply
i love her still
i ruined it easly
slowly i kill
i didnt meant to
i swear it
what can i do
i cant bear it
......................
i saw her the other day
the one you heard about
im was so sorry when i saw her
knowing what i had sacraficed
i never meant for it to happen
not like this
not the lies from my lips
between the caresses
from my finger tips
im so sorry i decieved you
i dont deserve anything ive gotten
i ruined love for you
and i cant forgive my self
i feel so rotten
so often
and when i think of you i could cry
i still love you so much
i dont kno what to do
not with my love
not with my prayers
not with the new man ive become
will there be another for me?
did i ruin my only chance?
i dont know i just cry about it
thinking about the love ive lost
my new love is beautiful
i wouldnt trade it for the world
but i wish i could share it with you
just for a moment
show you this love
give you this love
id give an eternity in hell
for you to have a moment in heaven
i pray for you nightly
i still love you so much
how can i move on
where would i go?
every time i see blonde hair
thoughts of you stir my soul
i hurt you so many times
i cant count them on my fingers
and my toes
the only thing that out numbers that hurt
is the tears weve both shed
thinking about each other
i dont know where you are
id love to kno how your doing
i hear things about you
but i cant know if there true
last time i heard your voice
your anger cut me
deeper than red of blood that flows
my soul
misses you
my heart
aches for you
my eyes
long to see
you walkin up to me
but i never pray to meet you
id probably just freeze up and cry
i just pray for you nightly
so if i never see you again
walking upon this earth
i can see you in heaven
and ask for your forgiveness then

late night sick kid ramblings

this song i love just came on its called, However Do You Want Me? by soul II soul...but its the acapella(sp?) version. so with its lyrics in mind i think im gonna base my poem that im about to write on its words.....they also sorta play to my feelings after readin through a cute couples blogs. so heres the lines

how ever do you want me?
how ever do you need me?


i look in the mirror
and see my reflectoin
a man full of struggles
in a moment of introspectoin
i have so many questions
but answers are lacking
staving off this depression
is that why im asking?

i wrote this but i realized ive been writing so many poems that rhyme with the same rhyming structure...so im just gonna do some free verse...but i sorta liked that so ima leave it and i might finish it later

ive gotta wonder some times
about the plans of my creator
i try to be so patient
but i just cant see the way
i dont understand it all
and i want it to make sence
just a little clearer picture
is all that im asking for
i try not to regret
how i became the man i am today
but when i reflect upon the past
all i see is what ive done
broken hearts,
lies uncounted,
pain so deep,
i dont kno how i did it
i didnt mean to
i didnt want to
but when i look back
its all regrets
theres so few moments
where im happy with my decisions
how can god use one
whos done damage like me
hes got a plan for us all
but i dont know if thats true
when i look at my life
and see all that ive done
i look forward
but it so hazy
i look back and its so clear
will the picture really change that much
i trust but i doubt
i have the faith of a fly
i couldnt move a grain of sand
let alone a mountain to the sea
i wish i was more
than the man that i am
i wish i had more to offer
to the god who loves me so
im so free and have joy
but my pain still burns
like a branding iron
pressed gently against my heart
but i can wait a few more moments
be patient a second longer
and when that fails ill pray
and hope the future becomes more clear

im sick

my nose is runnin
coughin and sneezin
every time i breathe
it sounds like im weazin
head feels swollen
like a ballon
i wanna feel better
and i mean like soon
blown my nose
till its raw and read
and did i mention
my swollen head?
lungs are hurtin
and my throat is sore
this bein sick
is such a chore
eyes feel puffy
and my forhead is hot
i just took some niquill
so ill sleep through the naught
the worst will pass
i kno ill feel better
but until then
im under the weather

Katrina

the fragiltys amazing
understand what im saying
theres so much pain and stryfe
people dying that need saving
how can this loss of life
be totaled to satisfaction?
the death that we hear about
will only be a fractoin
of what was lost
when this all happened
it shows in a way
that were all trapped in
theres not much as humans
that we can do
to save our selves
when lifes unglued
we didnt make it
we cant control it
just a reminder
as we try to hold it
theres more than us
than you and me
theres more to life
than what you see
what was lost
was already gone
the pain is real
its close to home
but what was lost
we didnt have
we saw it once
but it cant be bagged
it cant be sold
and it cant be bought
what we thought we had
was already lost
i feel the pain
i see the tears
every thing
was oh so near
but when stripped of shelter
our nature shows
a people living
in their death throws
america
so strong and proud
when caused to hurt
can cry so loud
so much freedom
but so much yearning
for something more
than all this hurting
it shows a part
we dont want to see
a part inside
of you and me
the slow respone
wether race or creed
the looting and killing
in time of need
no one to trust
but ourselves
no one there
when we need to be held
so this reminds me
in my simple exsitance
that god is here
not just in the distance
close to you
close to me
helping the lost
to finally be free

34!

so im very very proud of my self. my goal was to write at least 1 poem a day and though i didnt quite do one every day i had one for every day of the month. this month though i will write at least 1 a day no matter how much it sucks! oh and 34 is how many i wrote^-^. *pats self on back*

block block block

im not happy. im havin some writers block typness. i guess "writers block" is the wrong term. i could mostly likely sit here and write all night long. im having "poets block" i dunno why. i think maybe i need to go jam or like find something or i dunno:. im just not happy with my poets block. so im just gonna write something crappy. please dont hate me. maybe i need some diff music. presidents of the UsA rock. but maybe something more...i dunno. any suggestions? ill just put on a mix and hope something strikes me?

why do i do this
every time
sweat and studder over
every sinlgle line
most say my writings fine
a few have said devine
i say it mostly sucks
maybe its just in my mind
im tryin to find that place
where i appriciate my taste
they way i write my style
a little sweet embrace
compliments are nice
but satisfacionts rare
i just think that it sucks
why i hold it to compare
why cant i be there?
that special little group
where every line i write
is proclaimed the poop
maybe wittyer?
smarter or grittier?
the more i write
the more i see
i need more time
with the writer in me
more words to flow
places to go
visit with a line
ive got something to show
something to prove
something to lose
its hard to balance
its hard to move
its hard to take it
where i want it to go
so one line at a time
some times it goes so slow
the words escape me
like a stealthy convict
id love to grasp em
and go far beyond it
the oasis of wurds
where they fly like birds
out of my mind
to places to be heard
some times i get lost
in what i want to say
its hard to explain
and find the way
so ill leave it at this
im missing some shit
i dont know what it is
or how to get it

a heart of tears

its hard to explain
this hole in my heart
i look in my past and ask
where did it start?
im confused and diluted
ill wait in the wings
my bodys poluted
by everything
what can i do
im barely surviving
how do i live?
or are we just slowly dying?
where this pain come from
where is it going
how can i hide
i hope its not showing
ill just laugh and smile
pretend life is just free
but deep down im hurting
im paying you see
so ill ask you this
why are you still paying?
some ones already paid
why are you waiting?
its so unbearable
the hiding the struggle
its close the the surface
starting to bubble
you can wear the pain
it wont go away
or wallow in defeat
admit its here to stay
there so many ways to deal
but the dont make it easy
from sleeping around
to the bottle&bleezy(slang for blunt or pot filled cigar)
its just not the same
numb is not happy
but go head hide your pain
call me wistful and sappy
but theres so much more
an answer to questoins
an escape from your pain
its truely a blessing
if asked all the questions
sat there and wrestled
but i cant answer my questions
its a slow sinking vessel
and a vessel thats sinking
cant save its self
it needs something more
so powerful help
supernaturals the word
go head and scoff
ive abandoned my self
i carry my cross
my burdens not light
its not easy to bear
but with love in my heart
i dont even care
id rather have a moment
of this blissfulness
than have all of this world
including the rich
i cant make you believe
just show you the way
but you can chose your pain
if its where you want to stay

what a night

tonight was an eye opener. so often since ive been saved i have had this habit of holing up in my room and reading and only leaving to go to work, my moms or to visit people i hang out with. but every so often i go out with my old friends i used to party with. the main reason i almost never do is because i end up parting. to drunk to recall anything that had happened, and to stoned to care. so i hardly ever go out. but tonight two of my best friends invited me out and i couldnt say no. it would have been impossible. and thats where the eye opening begins. i wont recall it all in cronological order cause thats now really how things started occuring to me, but i will start at the begining of the night. i went to my friend Kris' house to play some cards with him and dapples and of course they were drinking but i declined. i just dont have the desire to get plowed like i used to. through the course of the poker games my friend Kris kept talking about his recently failed relationship and how all of his friends but me and dennis had abandoned him because of his x, and at one point dennis commented "thats why you cant put your faith in any one but your self." i thought occured to me at that point that was along the lines of "even when i do that things go wrong...as a matter of fact thats when theyve been known to go the most wrong." through out the evening i had encounters like this. first just sitting at the bar and watching the people was sobering on its own. just droves of people running to desensatise them selves to life as quickly as possible. i kno this is what happens cause far to many times ive been what of the eager particapants. as the night progressed though a series of incedents with people close to me hit so close to home im not sure how well i will sleep tonight. one was dennis informing me that my x, the love of my life till god saved me, was most likely seeing some one else do to an eye witness account. i mean it always occured to me she probably was but never had it been said by some one close to me i could trust. and never that she probably was because it would be logical but he said because some one saw her:*(. but really i mean i in all likely hood, if i didnt have my relationship with jesus, would be doing the same thing. seeing some one new. and wasting my life looking for true love where it can never be found. i know vic, sometimes i think better than i kno my self. and i kno who ever shes seeing is probably not the one but just one shes tryin to fill the hole in her heart that i left, and also probably helped make bigger. i kno also though that nothing of this earth can fill it. thats why i pray for her so much. but i digress. later in the evening my friend from hs danielle started telling me how she lost her last job at the athletic club (and she wants to be a personal trainer so this is exactally the type of job she should have) because shed been partying so much she couldnt get out of bed and go to work. she parties so much she only sleeps a few hours during the weekend so she can get up and start again. i love danielle, and not tha omg i love i want to spend my life with you love but that weve been friends almost 8 years and i just care for you so deeply it kills me to see you like this. just watching her laugh about it and talk about it reminded me of me when i used to do the same things, and i kno that deep down shes hurting. not from the lost job, not from the breakup with the bf of over a year for a new guy who cheated on her almost immediatly, and not from the partying. these are all symptoms of a deeper problem. the feeling theres no one you can trust. not the problem, but mearly a symptom. the going from person to person looking to fill that hole in your heart thats never quite right. that longing for more. i dont say this because ive been inside every person but from my experience with new christians, non believers, and just most anyone ive met in life. underneath the sugar coating, nice clothes, sexy partners, great stories, success, lies a need deeper than anything we can fulfill, and something so deep its hard to express. i truely believe its a need for god and a relationship with jesus. its a need to be filled with the holy spirt so we can know love. not know what love feels like but know true love from the author of love, know true romance from the writer of the heart, know theres some one we can trust because he created us and knows what we need and how we need it. not just a new car, or a good partner, or anything of this earth. but knows we need him with every ounce of our being. every thing we do is a search for satisifaction or truth in life. but didnt jesus say "i am the way the truth and the life" didnt he say "drink from my cup and never be thirsty" hes some one who was willing to die a miserable, painful, and truely horrible death for us. the same people who rebelled against him. if thats not love i dont know what is. if thats not some one to depend on i dont kno who is. if thats not true then i have no hope in my life nor a desire to even exist. the love jesus has given me is so over whelming i the only way i can explain how much love is in my heart is to say i would give my place in heaven to see the people i love go. i would die that death to see them make it. when i rest my head in moments to pray it wont be just one of those prayers for people. it will truely be a crying out to god of thanks and a beggin for his love on those people i love so deaply. i hope next time you pray its more than just a quick talk to god, but an expression of your deepest desires, pains, and pleasures to the god who created you and loves you like no one else can.

im having trouble writing..thats why i wrote that terrible rap i was hoping it would losen up my writers block. it didnt so i thought i would just ramble about my day for a while and see if anything intresting comes up...so off i go. lets see i woke up early*shudders*, but i already wrote about that...though im tempted to write more i hate it so much. after i bathed i realized i had a spider bite on my leg....which in its self isnt bad, but considering all my other minor ailments i feel like im fallin apart...and it sucks! im only 21 how the heck can i already be falling apart? after that i rode my bike to work. nice ride. then i worked. washing dishes for 7 and a half hours so its not much to describe. wash, put away, repeat, then repeat some more for a while, then whipe down the counters mop and go home. pretty simple eh? oh, oh but i got new shoes for work (i was raised by women so i get excited about shoes so leave me alone^_^) theyre these berkinstocks called 'superberkis' and theyre rubber so theyre water prood and you cant slip in em which is very very lucious when your on wet tile floor all day. and theyre green so they stand out quite nicely with my black and white work digs. then umm i went to the coffee shop that is like my home away from home and read for a while. thats what i do work, write, pray, and read in no preticular order. its monday so my pastor and his family have people over for a nice little dinner we like to call "goodnessfest" which rocks. its good food and good conversation. usually we try to have a question to focus the discussion which i love and tonight it was "whats the difference between reincarnation, and resurection? and why does it matter?" so its a two parter if you couldnt tell. if you really want the answer ask and ill tell you later. if you dont or you already kno im not going to waste me time now:P. i hafta say though its really nice to go to a friends house for dinner and have a nice 2 hour conversation where you really talk about something. i find so often in life our conversations are so superficial and lacking of any true meaning. i mean yes those conversations are fun and nice now and then. but when they become the heart of what we say and think it can be quite detramental to the spirt. it may life you up here and there but i think focusing our lives on what we can get from this earth has been proven time and time again to be lacking of what we truely need. i guess thats what jesus was talking about when he said "man cannot worship two gods." either way though i still enjoy those little convos about nothing but i want more! its like me and my friend daniel talked about so many times. isnt it better to talk and have some meaning with the time you spend with people as opposed to just "hanging out." i love to kick it dont get me wrong but more and more i find myself longing for something deeper in my friendships. i dont just want to kno about you, i want to kno YOU. your deepest thoughts on the most important things and how they make YOU who YOU are. i mean if you really let all the materialistic things you own define you then were gonna have some seriously painful conversations for both of us i hate to say it. but alas i think ive rambled long enough and still have no insperation. maybe ill just play solitare and see if i can find a book in my room i havent read yet. perhaps tomarrow.

???

some times i write
just feel like spittin
some times when i rap
i just get up and ripp em
hard hittin
sidesplittin
half of it freeswtled
half of it written
but from the begining
i was hedgin my bets
spittin my flows
liek they chew nicoret
when ya tryin to quit
im sittin back laughin
thinkin of a brand new rip
its easy you see
to flow so simply
talk about nothin
and yall be like "gee"
but i got more to say
than N.W.A.
though i aint from the hood
you cant deny mey
i been trough the battles
ive heard deaths rattle
i spit with some cats
and slaughtered em like cattle
i tell yall some times
i just feel like flowin
some call it showin off
i call it rollin
like 94 lack
black and cream guts
talkin bout nothin
but bustin em up
head gonna roll
ya mans gonna stroll
the raps gonna rock
and the rest is just show

i really hate the morning....also i hate poems where the title is a line in the poem

fuzzy eyes
and fuzzy vision
i really hate the morning
crustys growning
and tired yawning
i really hate the morning
belly rumbles
the floor is cold
i really hate the morning
up early
....in time for work
i really hate the morning

to be a child (to be read in conjunction with the previous post...wow these get longer by the day)

joy
i can always find it!
because he loves me!
im so glad the hurt is gone
what a wonderful creator
i cant wait to meet him!
i finally have the answers ive been looking for
it was well worth the search
i found it all at last
i need nothing more
nothing makes me happier than him
when im down he lifts me up
i love em
I LOVE EM!
i feel him in my heart
when ever i feel like im falling...
i kno hes there to catch me
i can trust him with life itself
i dont kno why he picked me
*smile* why me?
why me?
why me?
i never want this to end
this love is like i always wanted
im glad i can love em
i found the love!
im so happy
my lifes over flowing
i finally have hope

to be a man(or women its more about being human but i like the way it sounds)

struggle
at every turn?
why?
why does it have to hurt?
wheres it all come from?
and where is it going?
will i always be so curious?
why do i even wanna kno?
there must be more
i never have enough
oh if i could have that id be so happy
why arnt i happy?
i love em
i hate em
its all so far away
some times i feel like im falling....
and no ones there to catch me
i just wish i had some one to trust
life just isnt fair
where the hope?
*tear* why me?
why me?
why me?
does it always have to end this way?
oh to be in love
if only theyd love me
wheres the love?
will i ever be happy?
my life is so empty
and i have no hope

*shrugs* i dunno i just wrote it...you expect me to name it too?

an insurmountable obsticle
perhaps if i were nauticle
i could swim under it
but i guess thats not possible
a free radical in a battle
tails always gonna rattle
untill i ride to the sunset
sittin in the saddle
dont struggle or bubble
or you be left befuddled
just struggle through life
so you dont get in trouble
its easy to rhyme, shine
contemplate the divine
build up a shrine
to him in our minds
its hard to make life
day and the night
tryin to be a light
and not cause so much stryfe
but dont start to sarrow
wait for tomarrow
but your stock in true life
and you wont have to barrow

one more for the road...

im 2 poems off my mark of one for every day of the month...so ima write one more today.....*takes a moment for insperation*

wheres the flaw in my thinking
your talking in circles
please what are you drinking
its starting to hurt you
if life is just here
than what is the meaning
life is just life?
is that what your really beliving
cause what ive been seeing
is a hole different system
where things start to make sence
dont be a victim
to your own logic
realise it from its chains
free up your mind man
stop playing gamce
if theres no meaning
they how do we have morals
whats the point of fighting
theres no basis for quarrels
might rules all
the strong conquer the weak
weve seen that before
it wasent pretty
with no standard to measure
theres no way to have logic
with no solid foundation
theres not way we can call it
you need truth in your life
with a side of hope
a full glass of meaning
this isnt a joke
the most important question
you could ever ask
if this is all there is
how will you last?

life to live

hmm right now im listening to sublime...yum....

easy on the ears
like flowers are on the eyes
the gentle melody
to bad my man had to die:(
i guess thats what happens though
when you dont kno where your going
just living in the minute
hoping for some mooring
a solid place for you feet
out of the mud and mire
a quite place to rest
and reevaluate desire
its sorta sad to think
about all the lives that go
its hard to frame up death
it comes upon us o so slow
so i take a moment of perspective
thinking about "what i've got"
some friends that really love me
and a dog i love alot
a bed to rest my head
a computer to write my poems
but above all of these things
a friend when im alone
he laughs with me
and cries with me
he loves me so
he died for me
a friend thats always there
with my best intrest in mind
some one i can talk to
as i walk the line
this is a little remind
to my self as life goes on
that death has been reframed
so my soul can be at home

to annex:P

i kno this girl named annex
she loves kisses and hugs
i swear when i read her blog
that she cant get enough

i kno this girl named annex
i think she may be in love
but im sure if you asked her
shed respond with mearly a shrug

i kno this girl named annex
she likes to read my poems
she says im pretty good
even if they dont hit home

i kno this girl named annex
she says "take a compliment"
she tells me this so boldly
as if it were common sence

i kno this girl named annex
so i wrote her this little ditty
and ill end it with the line
i kno that shes not tricky

^_^