Day 5

She told me today that the only thing between her, and my infidelity was our wooden door. She has recently rearranged the room and so now the bed faces the door. Thus making her kindness in making the room nicer double sour. Now I'm laying in bed, staring at the door, and though it is surely between us, what separates us is now so much bigger. There can be no words to heal the pain she is feeling, and its obvious to both of us, that she is suffering far worse than I am. Her eyes look empty and though we have had many, many painful moments, none have lingered this long, this powerfully. She is so thoughtful and self aware, I know at some point she will forgive me, which makes the guilt heavier. When you have betrayed the trust of someone you care about, and cut them so deeply, its almost better to not be forgiven. To know that they are hardened to you. You can use that to become the reason you are no longer close, instead of examining the damage you have done. Instead of examining the damage I have done. But one day, maybe down the road, maybe we will make it through this, she will forgive me. She is good like that. I dont know why I am writing this all down, but I think I need to get some things out of me. To keep them from building up and exploding. I am going to change, I will no longer be the man I was, the man I am battling today. I will be kinder. I will spend more time with my daughter. I will criticize less, and embrace individuality more. I will learn to love more, and learn how to better share it. I will never cheat again. She told me she is leaving me. I imagine she is already gone. She has been thinking about it for a while it seems. I cant blame her. I am so hard to satisfy. Impossible to keep pleased. I cant fucking stand it. I want to learn how to enjoy the moment, the day, the relationship I am in with out craving more, or a way to make things better. The past two years have been brutal. A love that has been destroying us both. We have no one to blame but each other and ourselves. I hope she is not gone, or if she is, that she comes back. I hope that if she's gone she finds what she needs. I hope she finds someone to make her happy. There is no time for anger or hard feelings. I need to understand I may not be what she needs anymore, and prepare myself to be left behind like I always knew I would be. I love this girl, I long for her to find a way to keep loving me, to keep wanting to make it work. Sometimes when a pain is this deep, you cant be healed by the one who caused it. So even if she could help me, I might only serve to destroy her further.