rise up

they say the suns gonna rise
and shine so bright
its so hard to believe
in the dead of the night
will things be alright
am i gonna survive
whats it take today
for me to stay alive
must i strive for my life
with a gun with a knife
can i sit on my haunches
and be patient tonight
what do i need
and what can i offer
what hope is there
will life get any softer
you can hope and dream
fight against the machine
but this worlds a grinder
and your next if you breathe
hard as a rock
how you gotta be
if you wanna keep livin
in this world this dream
of our selves we do nothing
but create cuts and wounds
of our selves were so empty
with nothing we can prove
of him comes life
flowing like a river
of us comes the night
and the pull of the trigger
death is wage
and life is his offer
why would you deny
is death what your after?
theres a light in the night
he created the morn
breaking the dawn
calming the storm

the wait

so simply stated
yet underappriciated
slightly hated
utterly berated
still i waited
and waited
and waited
im so patient
but not creative
just jaded
cause i waited
and waited
and waited
but you never came

dear god

god please change me

to the man that you desire

there is no good inside me

and i really cant go on

ive been through lots of stuggles

and ive felt all of the pain

im tired of this life god

please just make me yours

there are a million questions

that i really want to ask

but ill keep my lips sealed

of you just make me a new man

some one who loves

some one who cares

so one with hope

god im begging you please

make me yours

heal me

releave all my stress

take care of my problems god

i cant do it alone

bring me my wife

give me a job

keep my eyes upon you

and my heart filled with your spirit

ive tried and ive tried

all to no avail

so please just make me yours

cause im just an empty soul

*smacks self*

well now that im sober i pretty much fully regreting last night. if i could go back and do it over. no first beer and yes to another game of monopoly. but you make bad decisions and you have to live with them. thank goodness for forgivness. i went to the coffee shop and talked to my homie rocky whos also my next door neighbor. told him about my night and how i pretty much felt like a useless piece of garbage. and hes was awesome as usual. told me some really cool stuff. and i was like ya ive been so focused on knowing god like scientifically but not hungry in the spirt. so today i was like im gonna take this screw up as an eye opener and really refocus my dedication to personally knowing god. and having him in my life. that makes me feel better. and im not gonna drink. i hate it. i dont even kno why i do it. *shrugs* either way todays gettin better. on my walk to the coffee shop i pushed my nextdoor neighbor in his wheelchair. that kicked my ass. but it was good. and he needs to get out more. hes recovering from a gun shot so ya. well i dont kno i think im gonna read and then maybe write more. if you see another poem youll kno i wrote more. if you dont youll kno i didnt.

death surrounds me
there isnt much left
im gasping for air
with every breath
i sit and i hope
i try of my self
i look for a window
and find theres no help
no sun to shine
no words to say
nothing of me
makes this pain go away
pleading and bleeding
i hope and i pray
i cant save my self
so help me today
change me from this
man that i am
to the man that you want
i just dont understand
ill stop trying to make it
work for my self
im not gonna make it
with out your help
theres a change to be made
and i dont kno how to make it
im trapped by this world
and i just cant shake it
dont mistake it or hate it
i dont wanna perpatrate it
save me please god
i dont wanna embrace it
i tire of this life
of suffering pain
living to die
is it all just a game
its crazy man i cant do it
i beat my head against the wall
ill just fall on my knees
and pray to you god
make me yours
make me yours
take all this away
i kno that trough you
theres a reason to stay
living and giving
hoping and dreaming
with you in my life
this world has meaning
morals and stands
things finally stand clear
i ask and you answer
your always near
fill up my heart
fill up my mind
make me yours
make me yours
please just refine
im begging and pleading
with tears in my eyes
and i praise you for this life
i never wanted to die
i just didnt have answers
to full of questions
then i met you
and they went out of exsistance
so thank you again
for all that youve done
saving my life
and giving your son

derunk

ya i didnt just get drunk...i got derunk. try sayin it reeeeeal slooooowly....deeeeerunk. ya thats more like it. i never drink. i try not to drink. i stay away at all costs. but my friends gf left him *tear*. and he has a bad leg. and hes been stuck in his house for weeks since she left. so he called up me and my best friend. under the guise of a game of monopoly (man i love monopoly). and then dooped me. hes like hey dapples (best friend) why dont you be the dd and lets go to the bar. then he said the words no person can resist "im buyin." so we took a couple shots. had a beer. and left. we left with one of those cups in hand. you kno the one. its 56 or someawd amount and his half full of whisky. so we drank the cup between me and chris (drunk lonely friend) and went to the first bar. not enough girls and it was keroke night. we left. off to the second bar. well the bar at the bowling alley. i saw some girl who said she knew me. i didnt kno her at all. but she took a shot from between my legs so i wasent complaining. 2 bars 2 whiskey and cokes. oh and half of some nasty but potent shit. then it was off to the last bar where we kno some ppl that work there some times. we didnt last night. but the bartender was sweet and served us even though we were faced. *thank you dapples for bein the dd* so i had another whiskey and coke. then a jack and coke. then chris' jack and coke. (how come every time i try to type coke i type cock...ill attribute it to the fact im still a little drunk). so im pretty much uber faced at this point. we go to chris'. take another shot.....i got home. and woke up. i couldnt tell you the details. at least some how im not drunk. or hung over. ok well maybe im a little drunk. but at least im not hung over. mwahahahaha. well im gonna go eat. eat some more....then do laundry unless i think of a bad reason not to and decide to wear dirty clothes. always an option.

work work work

today i worked...and i loved it like most days. what do i do you ask that i could possibly love it so much that i write about it? wash dishes. i kno i kno washing dishes you say how the hell is that fun. well first you must understand that im a 21 year old with the mind of a 51 year old and the heart of a 12 year old. so i can just sit there and think about anything my lil ol heart desires which covers the 51 year old in me. and at the same time all i do is spray shit with a hose that shots highly pressurized nearly boiling water. then put the dishes in a giant machine. then put them away. its really fun if you think about it. plus if some one pisses me off i can spray em *evil grin*. which i dont do very often......ok well now and then but still not as often as id like. but not only that but at work i get free food. and no not quarter pounders with cheese but REAL food. at my work we serve 5 star meals and have one of the best chefs in the state. so today i had spinach and gudda stuffed chicken, beef strogenoff, salad, mashed potatoes, spicy rice stuff, and double choclate cake with an arnold palmer (ice tea and lemonaide mixed for you unknowing folk). but that was today. some times its prime rib, steak, salmon, halibut, fried chicken...basically anything the cook wants to cook...its a perfect job for a skinny kid that loves to eat:). after that i went to the ol coffee shop talked with my pastor and prayed for a while which was really nice. tonight im gonna start readin in luke which is pretty exciting. hmm i guess thats it besides my dinner with my mommasita. so all in all....a good day:)

pain...order of the day

welcome to the diner
where what we serve is pain
angush in your stomach
pounding in your brain
all you can eat evil
consumes your every being
take a look at lifes menu
and wonder what your seeing
cause seeing is believing
and here your barely breathing
try to go up for air
and we can leave you weezing
have a glass of regret
to wash down that plate of hate
weve got your every worry
we dont discriminate
welcome to the world
known as the diner of pain
the anguish in your stomach
the pounding in your brain
weve got the lovers stew
that will make your heart wrench
weve got rope au grautin
the help you make that lynch
every thing is here
for the hurting soul
but we serve nothing here
to help make your life hole
but ive got some advice
dont tell them that i told you
i kno where to get help
just go ask this old dude
he lives way up stairs
its not an easy walk
but hes an easy goin friend
he'll listen when you talk
he serves hope and joy
and he never rubs in the salt
though this is only a rumor
and most people say its false
but a guy came in the other day
saying he knows thats its true
shhhh here comes my boss....
ok the lover stew!
im glad that i could help
be back in a moment
ill bring you all your food
and rub in the salt ya kno this
but think about what i said
the guy that lives above
i hear the foods delicious
and its laced with love....

ugh btw

oh and i left work on time instead of my usual 30 minutes late to meet her. so i got my ass chewed about that too....

ugh

dont you hate when you plan for something fun...and your really excited...and its a total bust. i mean just miserable. well welcome to my weekend! lol. i had a friend come in from utah and i thought. "hey we can go hang out see the sites have some drinks and maybe some passionate sex." well first she was just really moody and bitchy. that sucked. me tellin her that her driving scared the shit out of me didnt really help im sure. then she was like your an ass your rude your this your that. which i hate. when some one tells you about yourself. i mean she could be like "hey jon when you said that i really felt like shit..." and just go from there. but when you just start to tell me about your self i just get to be like..."oh...great...fuck you too:)" *shrug* i guess i am a rude ass. so the day got better by about this much { } which really isnt alot. btw no sex. and also she dosent quite look the same as the last time i saw her. guess i can be upgraded to a shallow rude ass. so today i took her to seattle. went to eat. saw the sites...blah blah blah. im exhausted. really just exhausted. we get home shes goin to shower and so i sit down to check my email and put on some music and shes like "there ya go back to your life." i was like "geeze thanks for the redicule." and shes like "no worse then when you make fun of my driving after ive drivin 15 hours to see you." so at this point im say "well at least me sittin on my sorry ass at my computer doesnt put any ones life in jeapordy" and she has the fuckin audacity to tell me..."ya unless you decide to hack into some mainframe and blow some shit up." at this point i just shut up cause i realize if i say anything shes gonna be in tears and im gonna feel like the shallow rude ass that i am to the fullest extent. so im pretty much placing my bets that there will be no passionate sex tonight. thank god cause i dont want it. i wish i could just sleep in my comphy bed alone and jack off to super models or some other far fetched unreachable fully satisfying fantasy. where im the nice guy she drives well and loves computers. wow wouldnt it be nice?