Day 12

I'm operating under the assumption that when the dust settles and she has softer her way through this she will look at me and decide its time to move on. It makes me sad, but I have myself to blame at this point. Everytime I holder it could be the last, every kiss, touch, word, look, conversation could be the end. She hurts like I have never seen anyone hurt. But she hasn't given up. She still struggles through the day and when I'm at my end she is always there. I hope this is not the end. I want this family and life with her. I live her. I miss her. I have to be better. Tomorrow I'm gettin sober. No weed for at least 60 days. I have to focus and be at my best. I have to be stable, thoughtful, reflective. I have to win her back. I have to get her to see that there is hope with me. That there is still a chance of creating the future we have always talked about. Only time knows the answer to my deepest I questions. She is so angry right now. I wish I could make her feel good, happy, even of just for a moment. I feel frozen but must find a way to fix this. If given the chance I will be the best for her that I can be.