Day 8

A week ago today she woke me up screaming and kicking. Askin me who I really was and what I had done. I should have faced her directly in that moment. Bit instead I hemmed and hawed and avoided. My cowardice on full display. It was the first moment in months I felt deeply. First it was fear, realizing this was the end. The fear dominated me and I did what I did in those moments with out thought or reflection, acting on simple instinct. Then came the guilt. The full weight of what I did resting on my shoulders. Recognizing that I was a liar and a cheater. That I ha hurt someone so beautiful and loving so much. And then it struck me. It crawled out from deep inside of me, from a place I had forgotten, and hidden from, and tried to avoid. How much I love her. I know it sounds foolish and dumb, that in that moment I would rediscover my love and the reasons that I was and wanted to be alive, but it's true. And here we are. A week later. Full of pain and doubt, and wondering if we can ever claim the future that for so long has slipped through our fingers. She is angry this morning. I can feel it in her body, hear it in her breathing, and see it in thebwaybshe moves. She is hurt, and lonely, and wondering if this will ever work. I know she loves me and she wants to stay. But with a four time cheater, with a man who cheats and who's father cheated, she has to be scared I will never change. That she could wake up one day in the future and be back in this exact same place. If she decides to stay I will do everything to make sure it's a decision she never regrets. I will fight harder than I have ever fought and I will be successful. I will conquer this demon. I want to do something sweet for her. Something kinder than I have ever done for anyone. Not out of guilt, or remorse, or a desire to win back her love and trust. I want to so it because she deserves the best I have to give. I want to give her all that I can and be the best for her that anyone can be. Her pain is so real, and deep. She's not sleeping, has just started to eat again, and is just surviving through the days. Those are problems that can only be fixed with time and work and love. Between now, and when we get to a place of healing inwantbto do something for her that for a moment makes her feel good.