Day 12

I'm operating under the assumption that when the dust settles and she has softer her way through this she will look at me and decide its time to move on. It makes me sad, but I have myself to blame at this point. Everytime I holder it could be the last, every kiss, touch, word, look, conversation could be the end. She hurts like I have never seen anyone hurt. But she hasn't given up. She still struggles through the day and when I'm at my end she is always there. I hope this is not the end. I want this family and life with her. I live her. I miss her. I have to be better. Tomorrow I'm gettin sober. No weed for at least 60 days. I have to focus and be at my best. I have to be stable, thoughtful, reflective. I have to win her back. I have to get her to see that there is hope with me. That there is still a chance of creating the future we have always talked about. Only time knows the answer to my deepest I questions. She is so angry right now. I wish I could make her feel good, happy, even of just for a moment. I feel frozen but must find a way to fix this. If given the chance I will be the best for her that I can be.

Day 11

I feel so heavy. like im moving through slime. everything that is broken in my life right now is my fault. it is an amazing opportunity to create change, but scary, and heavy, and more than I have ever done in my life. I need to do this, and i know I will find the strenghth. It will be in my partner, my mother, and my daughter. I have to change for them.

Day 11

She has loved me so much for so long. And now her pain is ceaseless. My infidelity has robbed my words of any meaning and so I am left with few ways to comfort her. She haven't been sleeping and everyday seems further and further away. Eventually the dam will break and sleep will come, but between now and then she will be struggling. I must do everything I can to support her, love her, and to be here for her now and in the future. I don't expect sympathy, and her love and patience is beyond my understanding. I will learn from her and how she has been here for me. And that will be my inspiration to be the best for her I can. I will change, I will not cheat again, I will be here for her, and one day when she is ready and I have maintained, loved, and grown we will start the next step of this journey.

Day 10

Almost didn't make it but she reminded me to. I'm trying to think of something fun to tell her about so I will use this time for inspiration. New camping gear, no, avoid money. Music, haven't heard if anything new, my future plans, to closely tied to the past. A memory, to cliche. Some too g about her that I really enjoy. Perfect. Her new tea passion, maybe. I have time. Friday I am going to do something I have been meaning to do, and I am going to break a bad habit. I'll talk about that maybe. I need to, I want to, and I know I can. But I have to be steady, slow, and focused. Remembering today and forgetting about tomorrow. One temptation, one interaction at a time.

how many times have I composed the lines trying to refine the thoughts in my mind Ive been trying to find the reason or rhyme for my emotional crime of the lives I've aligned I dont do things cause of mood swings or lifes not moving. I know the truth stings when the truth rings true. Im losing you. So Im choosing to do new things. I need to change. Stop ignoring pain reduce the strain of those ive blamed and try to regain the lovely strain of life unstained by deranged decisions ive made while others have paid ...

Day 9

So many lies, and so much fear. I am always afraid of, or worried about, or unnerved by something. The roll it takes on my family is massive. I need to co front who I am and whats holding me back. I need to war against my weakness so I can for once be strong for those I love. Ynlove is hurting, I know she is. And she will be for a long time. She still hurts from the last time I betrayed her. Bit this time is the last time I will betray her. She aches for me to keep the promises I have made and she told me truthfully that she can't survive this betrayal again. I was taught to cheat, to lie, and to move on when things get hard. Never will input her through that again. I turn 30 this year and I will not be the boy I was in the first half of my life. I will not be my father. I will break the cycle. For my partner, who I've betrayed, for my mother who was betrayed so many times by my father, and for my daughter who I will not raise to be a victim or an abuser. I love them and will give my self up and the child I have been, to become the man they all need and want me to be. I live this girl more than any other human I have ever met. She deserves and has earned the best if everything I have to give. I will not fail her again.

Day 8

A week ago today she woke me up screaming and kicking. Askin me who I really was and what I had done. I should have faced her directly in that moment. Bit instead I hemmed and hawed and avoided. My cowardice on full display. It was the first moment in months I felt deeply. First it was fear, realizing this was the end. The fear dominated me and I did what I did in those moments with out thought or reflection, acting on simple instinct. Then came the guilt. The full weight of what I did resting on my shoulders. Recognizing that I was a liar and a cheater. That I ha hurt someone so beautiful and loving so much. And then it struck me. It crawled out from deep inside of me, from a place I had forgotten, and hidden from, and tried to avoid. How much I love her. I know it sounds foolish and dumb, that in that moment I would rediscover my love and the reasons that I was and wanted to be alive, but it's true. And here we are. A week later. Full of pain and doubt, and wondering if we can ever claim the future that for so long has slipped through our fingers. She is angry this morning. I can feel it in her body, hear it in her breathing, and see it in thebwaybshe moves. She is hurt, and lonely, and wondering if this will ever work. I know she loves me and she wants to stay. But with a four time cheater, with a man who cheats and who's father cheated, she has to be scared I will never change. That she could wake up one day in the future and be back in this exact same place. If she decides to stay I will do everything to make sure it's a decision she never regrets. I will fight harder than I have ever fought and I will be successful. I will conquer this demon. I want to do something sweet for her. Something kinder than I have ever done for anyone. Not out of guilt, or remorse, or a desire to win back her love and trust. I want to so it because she deserves the best I have to give. I want to give her all that I can and be the best for her that anyone can be. Her pain is so real, and deep. She's not sleeping, has just started to eat again, and is just surviving through the days. Those are problems that can only be fixed with time and work and love. Between now, and when we get to a place of healing inwantbto do something for her that for a moment makes her feel good.

Day 7

Yesterday was day 6. I haven't been in the mood to count. I know I need to be stronger for her. And for my daughter. She was feeling ok this morning it seemed. There were smiles, and touching, kissing, and sweet embrace. I have to know its gonna be much harder than that. There will be pain, and anger that I need to listen to understand. I can't hide from who I've been or what I've done. I need it burned into my kind. Not to torture, or punish, though that may be deserved, but to improve, to grow, to ensure I never make these mistakes again. I want to get sober, gain the weight I've been talking about, graduate college, learn to be more humble and empathetic. I will never cheat again, to ensure that I need to change how I'm thinking, loving, and living. I love there girls, my partner and my daughter. I am going to be the best for them I can be.