what a night

tonight was an eye opener. so often since ive been saved i have had this habit of holing up in my room and reading and only leaving to go to work, my moms or to visit people i hang out with. but every so often i go out with my old friends i used to party with. the main reason i almost never do is because i end up parting. to drunk to recall anything that had happened, and to stoned to care. so i hardly ever go out. but tonight two of my best friends invited me out and i couldnt say no. it would have been impossible. and thats where the eye opening begins. i wont recall it all in cronological order cause thats now really how things started occuring to me, but i will start at the begining of the night. i went to my friend Kris' house to play some cards with him and dapples and of course they were drinking but i declined. i just dont have the desire to get plowed like i used to. through the course of the poker games my friend Kris kept talking about his recently failed relationship and how all of his friends but me and dennis had abandoned him because of his x, and at one point dennis commented "thats why you cant put your faith in any one but your self." i thought occured to me at that point that was along the lines of "even when i do that things go wrong...as a matter of fact thats when theyve been known to go the most wrong." through out the evening i had encounters like this. first just sitting at the bar and watching the people was sobering on its own. just droves of people running to desensatise them selves to life as quickly as possible. i kno this is what happens cause far to many times ive been what of the eager particapants. as the night progressed though a series of incedents with people close to me hit so close to home im not sure how well i will sleep tonight. one was dennis informing me that my x, the love of my life till god saved me, was most likely seeing some one else do to an eye witness account. i mean it always occured to me she probably was but never had it been said by some one close to me i could trust. and never that she probably was because it would be logical but he said because some one saw her:*(. but really i mean i in all likely hood, if i didnt have my relationship with jesus, would be doing the same thing. seeing some one new. and wasting my life looking for true love where it can never be found. i know vic, sometimes i think better than i kno my self. and i kno who ever shes seeing is probably not the one but just one shes tryin to fill the hole in her heart that i left, and also probably helped make bigger. i kno also though that nothing of this earth can fill it. thats why i pray for her so much. but i digress. later in the evening my friend from hs danielle started telling me how she lost her last job at the athletic club (and she wants to be a personal trainer so this is exactally the type of job she should have) because shed been partying so much she couldnt get out of bed and go to work. she parties so much she only sleeps a few hours during the weekend so she can get up and start again. i love danielle, and not tha omg i love i want to spend my life with you love but that weve been friends almost 8 years and i just care for you so deeply it kills me to see you like this. just watching her laugh about it and talk about it reminded me of me when i used to do the same things, and i kno that deep down shes hurting. not from the lost job, not from the breakup with the bf of over a year for a new guy who cheated on her almost immediatly, and not from the partying. these are all symptoms of a deeper problem. the feeling theres no one you can trust. not the problem, but mearly a symptom. the going from person to person looking to fill that hole in your heart thats never quite right. that longing for more. i dont say this because ive been inside every person but from my experience with new christians, non believers, and just most anyone ive met in life. underneath the sugar coating, nice clothes, sexy partners, great stories, success, lies a need deeper than anything we can fulfill, and something so deep its hard to express. i truely believe its a need for god and a relationship with jesus. its a need to be filled with the holy spirt so we can know love. not know what love feels like but know true love from the author of love, know true romance from the writer of the heart, know theres some one we can trust because he created us and knows what we need and how we need it. not just a new car, or a good partner, or anything of this earth. but knows we need him with every ounce of our being. every thing we do is a search for satisifaction or truth in life. but didnt jesus say "i am the way the truth and the life" didnt he say "drink from my cup and never be thirsty" hes some one who was willing to die a miserable, painful, and truely horrible death for us. the same people who rebelled against him. if thats not love i dont know what is. if thats not some one to depend on i dont kno who is. if thats not true then i have no hope in my life nor a desire to even exist. the love jesus has given me is so over whelming i the only way i can explain how much love is in my heart is to say i would give my place in heaven to see the people i love go. i would die that death to see them make it. when i rest my head in moments to pray it wont be just one of those prayers for people. it will truely be a crying out to god of thanks and a beggin for his love on those people i love so deaply. i hope next time you pray its more than just a quick talk to god, but an expression of your deepest desires, pains, and pleasures to the god who created you and loves you like no one else can.