Day 20

Today may be a hard one. It would be easy to escape it. I must challenge myself to be stronger. To be kinder. To be more understanding and patient with my love. She is hurting, and though many things are happening much of her pain is from me and the damage I have wrought. To escape it would be cowardice and so I must face the challenge, embrace what I have done and use it as leverage to strengthen and improve myself for the future. I love her and never want to lose her. I must prove that today, and everyday.

Day 19

Life has a way of bowling you over and it is important that through that we keep and even keel. It's important to both enjoy the good things as they arrive, as well as focus on solving the problems presented each day. My daughter leaves for two weeks today and I will miss her dearly. At the same time this presents an opportunity to enjoy an uninterrupted period with my love which We don't normally get. As one problem arises an opportunity also presents itself. Not all problems can be solved, and some must be survived as the best option. All of them present opportunities for growth and new experiences.

Day 17

Sick sick sick. Everyone is battling something. 3 am er trips leave me sleepy. I need to write more, and I will tomorrow. Tomight I just need rest.

Day 16

There is still so much work to do. It's like a honey moon period again, but it will not last. That doesn't mean it won't be good, just that it will tak more work tomorrow than today. I have to stay focused and keep working through everything I need to get done. Soberitey helps, things don't just slip in and out of my mind as easily. I love both my girls so much. I need to keep dedicated and focused on them. I also need to set a solid chunk of time asside for my blog to seriously get some more out and to keep examining myself and who I want to become. But right now my bed, and my love, are beckoning.

Day 15

Two weeks. It takes a long time to heal from pain but at some point whether you stay or go you must decide to move past a moment that traps you and grow into your future. Today is a day to celebrate and appreciate the opportunities offered by life and those you live. My focus will continue to be on growth. Letting go of anger. Learning to live more, and to show it in deeper and more consistent ways. I have been sober for four days and it has not been a problem or temptation yet. I am proud of my self. But I am more proud of her and her decision to love past the pain and begin to live again. I feel more fortunate than I can express to be a part of her life. I will never hurt her like this again. She is my love, and I will learn to value that and appreciate more than I ever have before.

Day 14

It's hard to face who you are. All the wrong you have done. All the damage you've created. The lows of yourself, and they ways in which they have hurt the people you love. I have not been a good person or a good partner these past two plus years. I have done more harm than good, and that cannot be refuted. I have hurt, cut, and damaged in more ways than I can even remember. I deserve to be alone, but somehow, someway she won't let go. I don't know how she's still here and her love for me is beyond my understanding. I have to be able to face the storm I created. It's down pours, driving winds, flashes of lightning and thunder. I must look into the face of the one I have damaged so bad and understand what I have done. I cannot hide from this life I have so thoroughly poisoned. I will stay strong. I will manage my emotions better, release my anger, and focus on building instead of destroying. I will not stop becoming a better man than I have been, or than my father was. I live this girl, and I will become a man that can make her happy, and give her all of the best things in life.

Today is already much harder. She is struggling and hurting and after a day of love and patience all that pain seems to have bubbled to the surface. The easy thing for me would be to hide inside myself, or blame her, or make some excuse as to why it's not my fault, or to go get high. I won't do any of those things. I will be patient, I will love her, I will understand that I created this mess and I must get through it. I will stay sober. I live her, I have hurt her deeply, and I will not give up on us. I will keep working on change and on being anything for her that she needs me to be. I am hers and that is a life and a way of loving I will continue to grow into.

Day 13

Today was wonderful with her. Almost to good. Great days like this make life easy. They make you slip if you let them. You forget how much work is ahead of you. About how hard tomorrow may be. You forget that it will not always be like this and that you need to be focused and working hard every day no matter what. It was my first day of soberitey and I made it. Having a wonderful day helps, but I know tomorrow may be harder and day 3 will be brutal. I have to be ready for the fight and the struggle and be prepared for victory. I can't sleep on this opportunity and I can't let one good day make me this everything will be ok. There is still anger sadness heartbreak and distrust and all of that will take time to work through. I must remember that. But still it's important to enjoy and revel in the goodness of my day and one day of soberitey. I love her. I hope today was as good and nice for her as it was for me. I hope she sleeps tonight and no matter how she feels in the morning I will be here for her. I want her in my life and I will never make these mistakes again. She has earned everything I have and I will learn to share all of myself with her. I am hers, and I intend to learn how to live that out.

Day 12

I'm operating under the assumption that when the dust settles and she has softer her way through this she will look at me and decide its time to move on. It makes me sad, but I have myself to blame at this point. Everytime I holder it could be the last, every kiss, touch, word, look, conversation could be the end. She hurts like I have never seen anyone hurt. But she hasn't given up. She still struggles through the day and when I'm at my end she is always there. I hope this is not the end. I want this family and life with her. I live her. I miss her. I have to be better. Tomorrow I'm gettin sober. No weed for at least 60 days. I have to focus and be at my best. I have to be stable, thoughtful, reflective. I have to win her back. I have to get her to see that there is hope with me. That there is still a chance of creating the future we have always talked about. Only time knows the answer to my deepest I questions. She is so angry right now. I wish I could make her feel good, happy, even of just for a moment. I feel frozen but must find a way to fix this. If given the chance I will be the best for her that I can be.